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I'm not ready!

My logical brain told me that the locked down would not end this week and that was ok.  I have food, shelter, books and knitting.  I have connection by internet and phone to the outside world.  It is good to rest and take stock.

My emotional brain screamed. ‘I’m not ready!’ 

Whilst living on my own I have only myself to look after with no balancing of work and childcare, this enforced rest has been very good for me. 

I am very sociable, out lots, my job kept me engaged with many different people.  I have always been doing stuff.   I work as a freelance consultant and my contract was terminated three weeks ago.


Back in November, a sudden and extreme problem with my gall bladder resulted in an emergency operation and a doctor’s note telling me that I had to have three weeks of rest. 

Never before had I had three weeks of rest. 

The first week I was still recovering, but it didn’t stop me hosting some friends for the weekend. The second week with more energy, and confidence I slowly picked up activities and by week three all was good. 

My reflection on this time, was there had been many signs that I needed to stop and take better care of myself.

I, of course, hadn’t listened.
The Universe had forced the rest on me. 
I listened.
I saw a nutritionist,
read up on life without a gall bladder and
started the process of better self care.

And then...

When lockdown came, I was mentally better prepared.

I had bought a batch of books before Christmas that I hadn’t got round to reading as work had taken over.  I had bought 3 online courses last year that I had never completed.  And I had lots of wool to knit baby blankets for a charity.   

So, my thoughts were clear, I would take this time and do all these things. 


At the end of the three weeks, have I read any books? No!  

Have I so much as looked at a single module? No!

Have I been knitting?  Yes.   

I have watched an old tv series on my iPad, one episode a day and I knit whilst watching.

I have very much enjoyed this forced slow down. 

I have, everyday, done a little thing to improve my home environment.

A task that I have procrastinated over.

Hanging pictures, sorting old photos, planting seeds in a window box, hoovering under my bed!  Yes I felt a surprising pop of joy with that one.

What next... 

So, when someone asked this week, did I think lockdown would be lifted.  I felt panic! 

‘I’m not ready!’ were the surprising words that came out of my mouth. 

I don’t think, rather I hope, that this time never happens again, and so I am seeing it as gift, to be present now.  To recharge my own batteries, to give support and chat (socially distanced) with friends, family, neighbours and even strangers.

The experience and observations... 

Whilst I have been enjoying this time, there have been bumps.

There is a sense of guilt that I am at home whilst others are putting their lives at risk.

The feeling of impotence that you can’t do more to help.

The lack of physical contact. 

A sadness for those families greatly impacted by a death. 

I have let these emotions come, I recognise them.   

So at the end of this first period of isolation, I am giving myself permission to continue this period of rest, to believe that better will come and when lock down is lifted, be ready to help where I can without having learnt a new language or climbed Everest on a treadmill. 

There will however be several baby blankets.



Thank you Barbara, for voicing the essence of many of my thoughts. I too am not ready, just yet, to move forward. I am enjoying this cocooning and slowing down. Having time to think, explore, listen, notice. 

It will be interesting to see what "life after covid-19" looks like. I hope that we, as a humanity, emerge with new wisdom, hope, kindness and compassion. 

  With love, Lynda

If you are finding things difficult please reach out and talk to someone. It is tough, any change is difficult.

Barbara and I, and many other people around you, will do what we can to support you. Please reach out. Ask for help. Talk to others. 

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