And then we come to the end of year school activities. Hopefully you survived these during the last few weeks.

You naturally want to spend time with your children. These milestone events like school plays, carol concerts, and the like, might happen every year but each year your ‘little one’ is another year older and missed events are lost forever. But your ex was there, so how did you react? Were you civil, or polite, or friendly? Did you make it easy for your child to enjoy the moment and be pleased that you were both there? Or was it a total disaster?

More importantly, how did you feel? Did you hold it together only to climb in the car and collapse? Or wait until you climbed into bed that night and sob quietly into your pillow? Or are you still so angry about the scene that played out at school?

Ideally you all portrayed happy families and behaved in a very adult way, respecting and engaging with the person who is co-responsible for the mental and emotional wellbeing of your children. Yeah, I know it sounds idyllic and possibly impossible to ever imagine but that is the ideal and something you would all benefit from in the long run.

And the Christmas parties, drinks with friends, presents to buy. Where do you fit? What are you supposed to do? Would it be wrong to want to meet up with your ex-sister-in-law who has been one of your best friends for the last 8 years?

Should you visit your ex-parent-in-laws? Send them a card? Get them a present? Perhaps you are secretly delighted that you don’t have to spend Christmas with ‘the family’ this year?

They are still the Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles of your children, after all. Where do you fit in now? Is your ex ensuring that your children are still spending quality time with all the family or was it always something you arranged?

Just because your family has split, it doesn’t have to be dysfunctional. Hopefully it wasn’t completely dysfunctional before the split and you still have people that you are happy for your children to spend time with...

So, you get to Christmas Day...

Are the children being shipped between homes and feeling confused, sad, disloyal? It is a big deal to work out where you fit in and how your day is going to emerge, but it is a bigger deal for your children. This should be a happy time. Now it is different. It is confusing. There is guilt which has nothing to do with them, but they don’t know that.

And then you have that lull between Christmas and the New Year. You know, that festive holiday time. The time when we mostly eat too much, drink too much, play games that only come out at this time of year, watch loads of movies, walk more, visit fun places and generally have a great time doing ‘family stuff’.

Oh heck, so now what is that going to look like? Who is doing what when? Will the children do everything twice or will you just miss out? Or will you be lonely and miserable and not engage with anyone making everyone ultra-sensitive?

And now it is New Years Eve… Party? With whom? Where?

You probably want to hide away and just be quiet, but all your well-meaning friends want you to come and join them? They even think it could be a good idea to ‘fix you up’ with a blind date. Really… horror of horrors, surely not yet?!?

And perhaps you go but everyone is with their partner. Couples everywhere, and you… How does that feel? Are your friends treating you differently? Are you suddenly a threat to their insecurities about their own relationship? With alcohol flowing the easy banter somehow feels uncomfortable. And then there is the flirty one who was fun when you were married but now feels mildly threatening. What do you do? How should you react? What is expected of you now?

Where are you in this new life of freedom? Are you happy and relieved? Are you sad and despondent? Are you missing your ex as you really did enjoy their company, but things just went a bit array?

It’s complicated for sure. But plenty of people have gone through this too. You are not alone. More importantly, it doesn’t need to be a tragic nightmare. There are some really ‘almost easy’ things that you can do.

Things for you and your well-being. Remember you are no good to anyone else if you are falling apart – put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.

There are plenty of tips for supporting your children. How to make this a fun time for them without the guilt. How to help them enjoy time with all of their family. How to integrate new partners into their wider family.

I’ve been there and got the t-shirt, twice! I’ve been on both sides of ‘fence’ so to speak. I’ve filed for divorce and accepted a divorce.

I had two young children at the time of the first divorce and then took them through the challenges of meeting a new ‘other person’ and eventually a second marriage and subsequent divorce.

My girls’ Dad had a number of girlfriends, marriages and divorces during their childhood years. Talk about a complicated family….

My lovely girls survived and are now both married. I am a very happy single women who works with others going through relationship challenges.

My girls and I are very close, and I have the luxury of learning from them about what worked and didn’t work during their childhood. I witnessed the challenges and pain, fear, laughter and happiness.

We have had, and still have, endless discussions about marriage, divorce, friendship, loneliness, relationships in general. Their friends are all going through the ‘finding partners’ and some are getting married with a couple of babies in the mix.

I don’t regret either of my marriages and don’t think of them as failures. They were a time in my life, and they taught me plenty. Some things were very difficult, but I am now in a position where I am grateful for the experiences and lessons.

I’ve had other relationships and right now I chose to be single and I’m happy with that too. I love where I got to and the journey that I am on.

We will be starting on Monday 23 December the first day after the longest night here in the northern hemisphere.

The Solstice is a time of rebirth, the days lengthen, and the light emerges.

It is a powerful time of year. The Solstice, followed closely by Christmas, a New Moon and Solar Eclipse, rapidly moving towards the end of the ‘teens’ decade and into 2020. So much going on and you’re trying to navigate through your emotions and your new situation.

It feels like a time for a new beginning. The birth of something amazing.

Time for you to accept some guidance and support and trust that you will survive and more than that you will thrive.

2020 is a whole new decade and a perfect time to rewire the way things have been and become the amazing person that you are.

Be Amazing!

Live Your Best Life!